As of one
week ago, I was selectively single. Today, I’m still single. I’m just more convinced that I’m ready to
seriously consider being in a relationship—or at least ready to commit to he
idea of getting to know people I would seriously consider being in a
relationship with.
That wasn’t
always the case.
After my
divorce I decided I needed some time to just be: Be a mom; be myself; be alone.
During this time I rediscovered things I like to do; music I like to listen to;
things I want to experience. I rediscovered myself not within any of the number
of roles that define slices of my life—but me when my roles are off.
To society
being single is a cause.
Eventually
I expect to see walks, telethons and drives to eradicate the state of being
single. Friends, family, coworkers worry
about singles; I’m not sure why. Reveling in my singularity I’m statistically
more likely to be happier, to live longer, and to smile more—at least more than
I did during the declining years of marriage—than if I were in a relationship
for which I was not ready.
And
they—relationships I mean—seemed to be everywhere.
When I was
young “Excuse me, can I talk to you for a
minute?” usually resulted in my having conversations I did not want to
have. “Can I have your number?” resulted in my dodging phone calls or in
giving the number to some phantom residence.
Rejection
always seemed kinder when I wasn’t around to do it.
Today,
these questions are met with “no, thank you” or “no”: I don’t indulge in
conversations I don’t wish to have: another benefit of divorce and maturity.
Remaining
single in 2012 is not as easy as it looks. Here are a few tips—not a few easy
tips; not a few nice tips—just a few tips.
1. Just say no: friends, family,
coworkers and strangers will try to set you up on dates with people they
presumably care about. If you aren’t ready for a relationship, why say yes? Say
no early and often. Saying no after asking what he does for a living, how he
looks, and why he is available only make it appear that you are weighing the
option and he’s coming up short.
Example:
2. Develop confidence in your own skin:
spending time with men you have absolutely no interest in dating is one of the
fastest confidence builders. First, love
yourself and the skin you’re in. If you
need to make changes for you to love the way you look—do that. Then, spend time
in places where you least expect to find someone you would go for. Warning: love doesn’t typically adhere to
plans or timelines, so just because you aren’t looking for it, doesn’t mean
it’s not looking for you. Still, when
you are not ready for a relationship and if the wrong person comes along,
you’ll be able to strike up conversations, etc…without the possibility of anything
more lasting forming.
When
I wanted to be in a relationship but wasn’t quite sure, I spent time looking in
a place I was least likely to find one. I met a lot of interesting people, but
I didn’t seriously consider them. I
admit, this probably wasted a lot of people’s time, but I never pretended to be
more ready than I was. I didn’t string
any one along—intentionally. Still, spending time there only made me more sure
of what I want when I want it. It also helped me appreciate things like: the
importance of telling people no; the value of my time; the value of other
people’s time and the art of beginning and ending a conversation.
3. Immerse yourself in life: find the
thing you are truly passionate about and start doing them. Join or cobble together clubs and groups that
are doing what you like to do. More time
doing leaves less time to get to know anyone.
Warning:
while you are out living life and doing what you love—you may find yourself
meeting and getting to know people you identify with; people you want to know
more—people you can consider friends. Some of my best dates have been with
friends…Having friends in your life who share the same interests when you
aren’t ready for a relationship means you won’t jump into a relationship just
to have someone to go to readings with you.
It also means when you are ready for a relationship, you know where to
find people who share your interests.
Ok,
so it turns out there is no clear cut formula, no magic, no list of tips that
will make life less messy. The only
advice is make a choice.
If
you aren’t ready to date: don’t.
And
if you are, when you find yourself ready to make room for someone else—jump in
with both arms open wide.
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